Context: I decided to pull my own cards today after being triggered by someone who reminded me of a long running inner child / sister wound I have been experiencing unhealed for awhile. What happened, and i’ll try to be brief, is that she suggested that I was trying to outshine other people in my spiritual collective by posting so much and stealing opportunities away. Immediately this hit a sensitive nerve in me as I had not considered this as something I was doing, rather I see myself as being overly enthusiastic about what the potential of the community is , because i want to be a great leader. It had never crossed my mind that maybe others would see it as being , my own words here: “attention whoreish”. Alas, after reacting somewhat badly to this feedback , I had to sit with myself in contemplation and consider why this suggestion hurt my feelings. There were other critic in our exchange that I didn’t take on as being meaningful, so why was this suggestion so hard to take. Then I recalled a memory from my early twenties, that had made me shrink into myself. Back then I was still in a close friend group from high school. We’d been going out drinking and having fun, there was flirtations happening – I was man-crazy back then due to my ( ha ha ) unhealed father wounds. I did pursue attention from men ; from everyone. I have always felt I needed a lot of attention, simply because I was a neglected child. Anyways let’s move on, I picked up my friends phone and she had a text exchange about me , a few unkind things stood out but what I will never forget is reading. “Brandie is being annoying she thinks insert *person* loves her”, next reply “Brandie thinks everyone loves her. *eyeroll emoji.*.
So trivial in retrospect.
Obviously how my very sensitive self took this back then took it so deeply to heart. I remember thinking: “Wait people don’t love me, they think I am annoying.” I had a lot of things going on with me back then , but decent self esteem was not one of them.
The autistic reaction this led to of course was me deciding to overreact, demand I get a ride home from another friend ( I am sorry ) and then stew in it for a long time. Eventually the drama of all that faded, but what didn’t was the idea that one , my desire to be loved would make me unlikeable by other women. Two, that I would shrink myself when it came to that friend group, as not to embarrassing myself further.
I really do not want to carry this anymore. It is an old story, reading cards today to clear some of this up with myself and stop allowing this kind of commentary to bother me.
The Tarot Deck: my deck of choice today is my Lord of The Rings Tarot Deck, I bought this for myself for my 35th birthday and I would really like to break it in
The Spread: I am doing “the trilogy” 3 card pull, suggested by the deck guide. You can see the arrangement below.
Lord of The Rings Tarot Card Spread “The Trilogy”
Six of Wands is very first card , and the interpretations is that heros deserve to be recognized. In traditional tarot this card is about multi-talented and having many gifts. It is so funny to see this card here because I have also been thinking about that scene from Mean Girls “I can’t help it that I am popular and everybody likes me”. But truly I think I have some stuff to work on around the conflict I have internally about “being seen” and “being liked”. I know that I like attention and do things to bring attention on myself but there is still a bit of scared people pleaser in there who feels bad whenever someone doesn’t like me. It is such a conundrum to wrestle with. Look at me! Oh no, please don’t. Obviously if you use your gifts and talents so visibly it will cause reactions in others. I need to develop the strength to cope with these reactions and stop living in the old story of who I was when I was young and unaware.
2 Of Rings I cannot believe it says this on the guide but it totally does: “You are just beginning your journey be patient with yourself.” What a perfect reminder, in traditional tarot there are pentacles not rings. The two of pentacles is neutral neither good or bad. I interpret that this could be about the conflict in me I described above. I love that it says to start journaling your feelings on the Lord of The Rings deck guide. I probably should instead of reacting immediately when I am triggered by this. There is clearly still stuff I need to reconcile here.
Page of Wands “Indulge in curiosity” the guide says. Then it says you are passionate about the topic at hand but I need to acquire more expertise. Well, yes, i would have to agree with this card on this completely. I need to develop my ability to take feedback without being sensitive and taking everything too personally, especially if I wish to keep running the PsyChicks Collective. Instead of reacting I should have asked questions. In traditional tarot page of wants represents youth, naivety, in this circumstance probably the reaction being led by the inner child ( who wasn’t cared for ) and the young adult who was so hurt by that text.
On another note, I realized when it was too late I overacted to that entire experience and lost friends because of it. I made up my mind at some point I wasn’t worthy of friends because of a few things that happened to me during my early twenties and spent much of my 20s not bothering anyone with me, because I figured that other women didn’t like me based on a few experiences, ah yes sister wounds.
Conclusion: Well this was fun. What an enjoyable Tarot processing. I am really feeling as if it is time to stop being subscribed to old stories and start embodying my new more wise and less vulnerable self. Grateful for the realizations here.
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